Need A Good Cry

I'm not, and never have been, much of a cryer. Right now, I wish that weren't the case. I've been so wrapped up in trying to make sure my cholesterol is down, and making adjustments in my eating to lose weight, that I compeltely forgot about the real chronic issue I have. It doesn't bother me every day, or even every year, for that matter. BUT, when I have "flare ups" they come with a vengence, and there's nothing I can do about it. No exercise, gym regimine, eating habit, or stress reducer will ever change that. I'm having a "flare up" and I'm scared. So, since this blog is about my health, I'm making a post.

Endometriosis is the problem. I was first diagnosed with it when I was 16. At the time, I was told that usually people between the ages of 30-55 get it. And, I was told that when I get pregnant, the hormone changes will probably help reduce, if not resolve, the flare ups. Now that I'm 36, there are several problems with that logic.

1. Not only have I had 3 surgeries to deal with this, I've had the tumor removing surgery. All these surgeries were in the same spot, leaving so much scar tissue, that they can't go in anymore and do what they do to temporarily resolve it.

2. Also, the scar tissue is so thick that I can't get pregnant. I have the physical capability to get pregnant, because when they removed the tumor, they left everything else. At the time, the thinking was that I was 21, and needed the hormones that female organs provide. The scar tissue, however, is attached to every organ from my belly-button down. If I were to get pregnant and grow in that way, there is a strong likelihood that the tissue would tear organs, and endanger myself and the baby. So, there won't be a pregnancy to "change the hormone balance."

3. Scarey part: Since I've had ovarian cancer, and I still have endometriosis, I am at a higher risk for developing cancer again.

So, each time I have a flare up, I'm scared cancer is back. (insert explicative of your choice...mine starts with an "s"). The doctors act as if it's back when I go to get it checked out. Lot's of blood tests, poking and prodding. While I am grateful for the sense of urgency, it scares me. There's not a very high survival rate for ovarian cancer, because more often than not, the symptoms don't show up until it's too late. Literally, I am one of two people I know that have had it and survived. The 4 other women I've known with it have lost the battle. Young women, and older.

I wonder if I really beat it when these flare ups happen. I wonder about my "time clock" and how long can I go cancer free. I have chosen to live a life putting God in control. Theoretically, we are all on a "time clock" and none of us know when "the time" is coming, and I know that God is in control of that. This is the time when I'm supposed to find faith and strength and endurance, knowing that everything is going to work out in the end. I'm supposed to take a deep breath and be brave.

I am going to the doctor today. There are some differences this time, as well, that shake me up and rattle my sanity.

1. My mom is not here this time around. (I just teared up, btw) She was my warrior, my freind, my helper, my Antone's sandwich grabber, my offense and defense, my comforter. I want my mom to come with me. Instead, I am going alone. Kevin couldn't get off work. (I'm supposed to take a deep breath and be brave.)

2. All new doctors. I'm supposed to trust my OB, who I've been seeing for 7 years now. She knows me, she knows my history, she helped explain to Kevin why I shouldn't get pregnant. I've had a flare up with her before, but this time it hurts/burns so much more than that time. (I'm supposed to take a deep breath and be brave.)

3 & 4. Well, there is a third and fourth, however since this is a public post, I'm keeping it to myself. But there is definatly a 3 and 4 (I'm supposed to take a deep breath and be brave.)

Time to get ready for the doc appt. Taking my deep breath now...