Having made my very scary trip to the hosptial this week has got me thinking. Who wouldn't become a bit reflective after something like that? It is an odd thing, but I suppose since I've survived cancer, I always feel like it could come back at any moment, and it's just a matter of time. This may not ever be the case, but how am I supposed to ever really know. With the pain I went through on Monday, how am I not supposed to automatically think it's back, and wonder how much time I have left? Fortunately, the docs in the ER were able to quickly verify "It's not a tumor" which is outstanding...to say the least!
Also, I'm going through some withdrawls this week. I've been taken off all caffiene. I have coffee EVERY morning, so I'm not sure what to do here. I was even told decaf is out. I'm also not supposed to be having anything acidic, so no OJ to sub out for coffee. As I expected, I have this major headache. AND, I was told not to take any Tylenol or Alleve because of the way it could irritate my stomach. No coffee, no tea, no tylenol, no Alleve = Despicable Me. So far, I've only tried to correct the way Kevin drives, the way he eats, the way he heats up his food, his sleeping patterns, and his clothes. Who says all this isn't making me cranky...LOL! Poor Kevin! And I think I may have made a friend angry. This is only based on how she's been reacting to me, not because of any specific feedback. Not sure what I did just yet, but I'm sure I did it, whatever it is.
So, insert Jerry McGuire Memo Moment here:
I suppose it's natural, after a life threatening ordeal such as cancer, to take moments like this hospital visit, and refelct to make sure I'm not squandering my second chance at life. I've made several major life decisions based on other moments of this reflection. What's interesting is the older I get, the more difficult it is to make "major life decisions" without it impacting the lives of others. I would LOVE to figure out how to start up a bakery/cafe, and excel at that venture. I LOVE the concept at Cafe Brazil, and would LOVE to do something similar. Problem with it is, I am doing well at what I do now. I have been recognized as a "leader" and have been accepted into an advancement program. It's a stable career that lends itself to the "normal" 8-5 schedule, and it's very safe. I don't really like what I do, even though I'm pretty good at it. This isn't big news to anybody that knows me, though.
Another thing is I don't get enough sleep. I'm ALWAYS tired, and am tired of being tired. There are a plethora of reasons why I don't sleep...achy muscles after working out, snoring husband, yappy cat, overthinking my day, and other various reasons. It's 6:45am, and I've already been up for an hour. I thought if I went to bed early it would help. Nope! Kevin goes to bed later, wakes me up. Cat starts yapping, wakes me up. Kevin starts snoring, wakes me up. I get mad, never get back to sleep, and here I am. Is this why people get king sized beds? I dunno, but I do know I'm tired of being tired. I also have nightmares, and wake up screaming about twice a week. This week's excitement came one night from dreaming a fireman hit me on the back with a shovel while I was riding a bike, and last night a figure hovering over me while I was sleeping. Anyone who interprets dreams...ready, go!
Then there's this adoption thing. Geez where do I begin?!? Talk about zapping the life out of you!! I'm so sick of this "process" I ready to just stop it all together. BUT, if I do that, then we don't get a kid. Such an unfair predicament, but then, life just isn't fair, is it! We had an appointment set up for this past week, to get going again, but fate snatched that right out of our grasp...AGAIN!!! I'm SO ready to throw in the towel. My emotions can't take much more!
And...I REALLY miss my mom! I've REALLY been struggling with this the past several months. It will be 6 years in February since she passed away. I need her in more ways that 150,000, and I get nothing. Well, that's not true, I get a huge hole. How could I be so ungrateful?!
And, if ANYONE asks me if I've prayed about any of this, I will personally hang you up by your toenails! Give me a little credit, thank you very much! It tires me to no end to be around those who assume, that because things are a bit off kilter, that I have put aside and lost my grounding, my faith, my entire belief system. COME ON, PEOPLE!!
Now, back to my question: Am I squandering my second chance at life? Sigh...I don't know! You hear about these people who make these radical life changes, and say it was totally worth it, and their only regret is that they didn't do it sooner. Then you hear about those people who make those same radical decisions, and their entire life around them falls apart as they pursue these changes. I wonder what the difference is. I have made some changes to improve my lifestyle, including the working out and better eating habits. It's easier to play with my nephew. I have more energy. I am going skiing in February, and wouldn't have been able to manage that a year ago. So, there are some changes. Also, I went and got my friend back. This is a very long story, but the short of the long is that I was done letting our friendship slip away.
Is patience the answer? Is taking it slowly the answer? Is promotion at work the answer? Is a king sized bed the answer? Is there even an answer? I don't know, really. All I do know is that I have been given a second chance at life, and I don't want to blow it!
